Giving up

Is it looking that way? I was going to try to send a nice message in the hopes that some nice memories would rekindle some happiness somewhere but nope, I know it won’t because every other fucking time I do it, it’s ignored and the next day I’m in the same shit I was in the night before.

No, I don’t even.

A lot has happened

It all almost ended! And it might still. Think I’m on thin ice. I can’t say anything or ask anything without it being taken as being over-something, like with every word I’m trying to question motives or something, when sometimes i just want to talk. Conversations happen via question most of the time, yknow!

Ah, well yes. She’s being extremely distant with me. She’s avoiding me and not talking to me. Trivial, but she hasn’t sent me any x’s in a while, and we always send x’s. She hasn’t told me she loves me in a while. She was going to break up with me so… I dunno.  I think she still feels weird around me. I don’t want this to end but if she’s never going to treat me with love again and if she’s always going to make communicating and basically BEING WITH HER and uphill struggle then I don’t want to do it. She’s making me feel bad about everything and I don’t think that’s fair.

She wanted me to give her space. Y’know what happens then? All contact is cut off. If I don’t try hard to get in touch with her, it seems like she’ll never get in touch with me. Even when things were nice I ALWAYS INITIATED IT. Why is that? That seems a little fucked up to me. So yeah, she hasn’t spoken to me in days and again was taking drugs without even talking to me about it… I mean why should she? Oh yeah, we told each other that we would.

Looks like September is the end?

Growing distant, being vague, not sharing important news, not pushed to make plans, disinterested in sex.

I’m losing him.

I’m just waiting for it to happen…

After breaking down crying for the eighth time this week, I’ve decided to compile a list…

1. She no longer cares how I’m feeling, even though I’m showing care for how she feels.
2. When I show care, or give advice, she throws it back in my face.
3. I go out of my way so much to see her as much as possible because she says she’s happy with me. She doesn’t give a fuck.
4. She never shows any signs of wanting to be with me, or making plans to see me.
5. I’m so scared and worried that she might be pregnant. So fucking scared. It would end me.
6. She’s in a great mood for Tumblr, but whenever she talks to me she’s as cold as a stone in the North Pole. And she could be posting in a great mood on Tumblr and be treating me like shit at the same time.
7. She tells the things that are important, to her, to her followers on Tumblr, not me. She doesn’t share herself with me anymore.

And yet, she says she loves me more than ever? Does that make sense to you? Because it doesn’t to me.

This would be a golden opportunity…

To rant yet again on here. Like you have on “yours”.

But you know what? I won’t. I love you, we argued, but that doesn’t matter.I was insensitive, you were too. Let’s leave it at that. I’ll give you your time to start to love me again… Then we’ll be happy, I hope.

I want this to end

This mind numbing boringness. The waking up way too fucking late and then spending 12 hours doing nothing and then trying to sleep, not being able to for hours, and then repeating the whole process. I want to be able to be happy again. Being contented is nice but even that’s not really happening anymore.

The waiting is terrible. I have to wait so long for every fucking thing. I know that seems selfish and spoiled but I am a patient person, so when I feel I have to wait so long then it probably is quite a while.

-sigh- I guess this is the way things are.

“The difference between me and you is that I don’t call it depression.”

She swears she loves me so much

But then she tells everyone that she wants to do stuff with someone else.

Nobody even cares, I’m not even telling anyone here and I’m only giving away things and putting myself at risk. But I need to scream and I need to fucking understand.

She better not fucking cheat on me.

I couldn’t leave her but I’d have to, for myself. For her. So she’d realise what the fuck she’d be losing.

This is why we can’t fucking get along when she’s away.

Grargh.

Nah, you just go off on your holiday and forget about me here at home. Yeah, okay, dress promiscuously and bustily at a fucking party full of perverts, wet T-shirts and drink and drugs. You don’t need to show that you care about me at all, that’s fine. That’s what you left for. To get away from here.

I hate this fucking feeling, I knew it was going to happen.

A thought process

I feel like people take me for granted.

I feel like people don’t take me for granted, there’s just nothing special about me.

I feel sad that there’s nothing special about me.

I feel like I’m up my own arse because I got sad about there being nothing special about me.

I accept the fact that there’s nothing special about me. There are many people just like me.

I am not unique. I am boring and annoying. My opinions are stupid and unreasonable.

God, why don’t I have any weed to smoke?

Oh I love technology

And my new computer. It’s so behind the times but fuck it, it’s a good computer. Powermac G5 1.8 gHz with 1GB of RAM. Transition over was a bit sucky and awkward but it is done now and I’m happy I have a computer that can just do shit without creating a huge fuss about it >.>

Also freeleech on What. This is great. If only my internet connection wasn’t absolute balls lately >.<